Dealing with High-Conflict Behaviours

Resolving conflict with those who exhibit high-conflict behaviours is not always easy to navigate. High-conflict behaviours include blaming, over-reacting, shutting down, gas-lighting and others. In these delicate situations, the first step is separating the people from the problem so that we can manage our emotions, remain neutral and reduce the potential of our own defensiveness, aggression or other similar behaviours.

The challenge is we tend to have automatic negative responses in moments of upset which can impact our ability to remain neutral in dealing with a conflict in a mutually healthy way.

In the Author, Bill Eddy’s podcast, ‘It’s all your fault’, he focuses on how to best resolve conflict with the 10 percent of the population that have high-conflict behaviours. In communicating with such individuals, he states that there are a number of considerations:

  1. Focus on the facts
  2. Don’t react negatively
  3. Be clear and direct
  4. Set boundaries
  5. Consider not apologizing (could be used against you)

Bill Eddy created a dialogue model to use in these situations: BIFF (Brief, Informative, Friendly and Firm). This communication structure removes the people from the problem and allows us to assert ourselves while ensuring our boundaries are clear and understood in a mutually healthy way.

An example of this is the following: An employee is being defiant and not accepting a new way of doing things in a team. Here could be a possible way of framing communication that follows the BIFF format.

“You have told me you disagree with the change. I appreciate your willingness to share your thoughts and I heard you. The change is mandatory and must be followed; no exception.”

In this reframe, all points in the BIFF model were followed. If they still disagree, you may want to ask the question: “What do you propose?” This moves the conversation from negativity and past focused to one that is solution-oriented and shows that you respect their point of view.

Remember, people will do what they do. It is how we choose to respond that matters.

Kwela’s Conflict Resolution workshop provides communication and conflict resolution tools that will help to bolster confidence when confronted with conflict.

Glen Sollors, Partner
glens@kwelaleadership.com